When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
