walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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