May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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