captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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