She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I am mentally ready for anal.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
