Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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