you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
