I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Randomize
