Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
