I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
