I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
