Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
