Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
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The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
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"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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