My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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