just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I had to cum in my sink.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
