i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Randomize
