Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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