her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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