just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
