You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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