I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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