Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
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He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
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Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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