after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
