she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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