guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
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I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
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Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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