very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
