people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
i now understand why vodka
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
