Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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