no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
