Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
