The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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