peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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