first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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