that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
