I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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