my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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