I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
