Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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