So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
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He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
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I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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