I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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