Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
