You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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