I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
