just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
