The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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