how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
