my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
