I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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