nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
