My underwear smells like fireworks.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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