i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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