im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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