Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
