I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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