he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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