my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
