Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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