A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
