just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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