if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
This house was built for laser tag.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
