I wish I could teleport
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
